Gratitude is the single most important ingredient to living a successful and fulfilled life. -Jack Canfield Each day this week, think of one thing you are grateful for and write it down in your journal. Continue this practice each week for the remainder of the year. Some weeks a focus will be named for you. Others it will be left open for you to simply look for the good in multiple areas of your life! Reflection
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As an education consultant, I often work with teachers that I admire and even some I secretly fangirl over. However, facilitating learning in a room with this woman is a new level of excitement!
Miss. Lonker (who I now have permission to call Andrea) was my 6th grade teacher. We were definitely a class to give any early career teacher a run for their money, but she survived. As educators, we are not always sure of the difference we make in the lives of our students, so I’d like to take a moment to share my story here. In third grade, my family moved to a new neighborhood, and I began attending a new school. I struggled with the adjustment and felt out of place for the entire first year. Between 3rd and 4th grade, my parents divorced, my Uncle David passed away, and my brother joined the Marines. My life felt inverted. In 5th grade, things were beginning to turn right side up. But in 6th grade my family experienced more loss when my Aunt Lynn, Uncle Chip, and my baby cousin Hannah died in a car accident and my Uncle Al was diagnosed with cancer. Once again, my world was upside down. School became my refuge. I’m not sure if Miss. Lonker was aware of what I was facing at home. But at school, her classroom was a place I could relax. A place where books, my favorite escape, were always accessible. I never felt stupid in math, and I was challenged in reading. She celebrated small things with us with Fun Friday parties, and big things like when we threw her a “surprise” wedding shower. She took us to her hometown for the Peace Treaty, and her parents opened their home to us with fresh cinnamon rolls. Most importantly, that year a group of friends became a family because of the atmosphere of trust, high expectations, and love that she created. Many of those relationships still exist today. Over the past 5 years, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my school experiences, and how they shaped me to overcome different life struggles. And while I do speak of the fact that my trauma seemed to go unnoticed, I have never believed it was because my teachers didn’t care, rather the belief they didn’t know. At age 20, when I decided to become a teacher, it was largely to help kids like me. And it was because of teachers like Miss. Lonker that I knew that I wanted my classroom to feel like a family. So, to an unsung hero, thank you. Whether you were aware or not, you created space for me to feel safe and loved during a time that I was worried and alone. I’m so excited to work with you this year as your school takes on Redesign. You are truly a gift to Kansas education.
This conversation popped up in my memories feed today. And as I reread it, I'm wondering how much we've grown in our thinking in the past year. Here are my two thoughts:
1) The "Choices" Debate... I agree that not every misbehavior in children (with high or low ACEs) is a conscious choice. We actually know this based on what we know about the development of the prefrontal cortex. I do think that there are times that behavior is a choice though (for both children with high and low ACEs) and it takes a stable caring adult relationship that is willing to be curious about what triggered the behavior, if it was a choice or a reaction, and how best to respond to the moment. I also think we should ask what another "choice" would have been in response. I think using that word helps the child understand that they can make choices- that it helps to build those pathways in their brains to begin to see different options rather than getting stuck in reaction mode. This has to be done when both the adult and the child are regulated and not in the heat of the moment "What were you thinking??!?!?!" kind of reaction. 2) I am growing more and more nervous that within a very short period of time we are going to be seeing Zones of Regulation check-ins go down the same path as our Assertive Discipline clip-charts (see my thoughts on those in a previous post). I hear of so many administrations that are mandating daily check-ins with each students, and I've seen the variety of cute ways that teachers are setting up charts, jars, Google Forms, and desk cards in their classrooms. I know that you all have the best of intentions at heart, but hear me out. There is a natural progression that comes with being a trauma-informed building - and it doesn't happen overnight (more on this to come in an upcoming post). As teachers are beginning this journey and we are requiring a daily check-in for how students are entering the room, we might first ask ourselves several questions:
Understanding the impact of trauma is likely the most groundbreaking change to education in history. It is being referred to as The Theory of Everything. It feels as if it is the missing link to so many critical challenges we face as a society. We can't afford to let this be just another pendulum swing. This cannot be another thing that we package into a boxed curriculum that is mandated, over systemized, and eventually becomes pushed to the side when the next shiny thing promising results comes along. We have to do this right. Everything depends on it.
Two years ago my community was confronted by a threat made on our local high school. As is the case in our world of gut reaction, social media, and keyboard commandos I found myself caught in the middle of very conflicting thoughts and emotions. Today, as I continue my work with helping schools in their journey to become Trauma-Informed, this post came up on my Facebook Memories page. It feels important to share it again here:
Aaron* is one of my kids. He was in my class as a fifth grader, and like all others, has remained in my heart for the years after. You've likely heard the stories about the "stuff in his pockets" and "the water turned to holy grape juice in my closet." He made me laugh everyday. He also had the messiest desk ever, and still holds the record for late assignments. I ran into him frequently after he went on to middle school and high school. He always took time to stop and chat, I'd ask him if he was caught up on school work and we'd both laugh remembering the rounds we went in my effort to help him learn better organization and time management. This is the second time in a year that I have been this close to news like this. Both times my heart has ached, while my head struggles to understand. As a teacher the fear of ever having to protect my students from an attack is on the top of my list. But to have one of those kids that I would have likely walked in front of a bullet for to be the one making the threat makes my feelings explode in ways I can't comprehend. I believe in this case that the charge was justified, and the sentencing appropriate-but that doesn't make it easier to swallow. And while I understand the fear and anger that this causes in our community, it further weighs on my heart that this child and his family are being publicly stoned via social media. He made a mistake, a big one. He will pay for it with his time, his heart, his reputation, his future. His family is paying a price too. The gravity of this situation is not helped by the venom being spewed via your keyboard. Aaron" is a good kid. I've had students I worried about this kind of thing with; and I actively tried to get those kids help. Stayed awake at night thinking about how I could be an advocate for change in their lives. But I didn't see that in Aaron*. Perhaps things changed for him 5 years since he left my classroom-or perhaps I missed the signs. Not sure. Here's my point. If it could be Aaron*, it could be anyone. Let's please stop with the hate, and instead look closely at those we love. Are we seeing all that is there? Are we missing something? Is there a student in your class slipping through the cracks? A child in your neighborhood? Your home? Does it make you squirm inside and light a fire inside you to hear that? If so, good. It takes a village, and if you have time to be hateful online, you have time to build a relationship with a child in your life to prevent someone else from going down this dark and lonely road. For Aaron*, I pray that he is able to receive help while he is serving his sentence. I pray he finds a piece of hope for his future, that he may someday be able to put this behind him. I pray for his family. That their hearts and minds be at peace and that they can continue to show their son love and support. And I pray for our community, that we can see that we can choose to show compassion and concern rather than fill our town with judgement and hate. One of the best parts of my job is getting to work with teachers as they begin to implement Project Based Learning in their classrooms. As our schools in Kansas continue to think about redesigning, PBL is a hot topic right now, and for good reason - the student impact of PBL includes the following:
I remember a time when we were on food stamps, when I refused to even go to the grocery store with my mom in fear of someone seeing us swipe that Vision card...but being thankful for that bag of Doritos in the cabinet. I remember listening to my mom talk in hushed tones from the other room as she arranged to make the house payment late, again. I remember using our medical card at the health department. I remember my mom working her butt off as a single parent of four. I remember thinking we were poor.
Then I remember realizing that we weren't. I remember later, after she had remarried, John telling us about eating mustard sandwiches, which made that night's goulash seem almost tasty. I remember hot gluing my students' shoes in the winter, more than once. I remember my student who lived with his four siblings and mom in the Jayhawk Motel, and another who lived in the backseat of a Geo Metro. I remember hoarding school breakfast in my classroom to send home with kids that I knew wouldn't eat until the next school day (Friday afternoons were always the worst). I remember students who came to school dirty, in the same clothes as yesterday, exhausted because mom or dad had to work an extra shift and they stayed home alone. I remember daily looking into the faces of little people who had survived trials far harder than I had ever faced... and then trying to teach them how to read and add. I also remember, painfully remember, the words of colleagues who have never even had the small taste of poverty that I had as a child. I remember their misunderstanding of generational poverty, their judgment of a life they have been fortunate enough to not experience. I remember their words about "those kids." I remember being angry. I remember being sad. I remember not speaking up as loudly as I should have. (Click picture below to read original blog post that inspired this post...) Ketchup sandwiches and other things stupid poor people eat: After what felt like an eternity of preparation and anticipation, our first Bridging to Resilience Conference has already come and gone. And today I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. This is not uncommon for me after a large conference, and yet at the same time, today feels different. On Wednesday, I shared a session focused on the risk we carry for developing symptoms of secondary traumatic stress- also known as compassion fatigue. We've all been told that in order to take care of others, we first have to take care of ourselves... and yet most of us are terrible at this concept. Our hearts bleed for those who need us, and if we aren't careful it is possible that the cost of caring is your own health and happiness. As you continue to read, I want to you to consider what you credits and debits you are incurring in your self-care account. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that if you don’t control your thoughts, they will control you. From as young as I can remember I have had pervasive fears that weave their way into my thoughts and that can paralyze me momentarily. These usually happen when I’m alone, and especially at night. When I lived in my own apartment in my 20s I bordered on sleep deprivation as a result of these fears. I’d lay awake ruminating, falling asleep only when the sun began to rise, because for me bad thoughts only come in the dark.
Fears of harm. Fears of loss. Fears of doubt. Fears of incompetence. Fears of judgment. Fears of failure. A few weeks ago I was caught off guard by a statement from an educator that I highly respect while talking about the most recent buzz-worthy trend in education, "becoming trauma-informed." She stated that she felt it wasn't necessary for her district to join this journey because her district had a low-poverty rate and was not very racially diverse. In my opinion, this statement couldn't be more misinformed... and yet I also know that not everyone wears the same lens that I do, so I remained curious and asked a few more questions. In the end, I was fairly certain that I hadn't changed her mind. That evening, I shared this picture on Twitter, which seemed to resonate with many of my followers.
I avoided the news all day yesterday, my heart not ready to hear it again. And truthfully, I'm still not ready. But truth is... neither were the teachers, students, or parents in Parkland, FL yesterday. And still today in Florida, parents are grieving the loss of their children. Today in Florida, teachers are waking up with new trauma that will follow them for the rest of their lives. Today in Florida, children will begin to mourn not only the loss of their friends, but also the loss of safety in their school environment. And today, we are once again offering our thoughts and prayers to that community.
And this isn't the first time we've been here. It's been six years, since a blogpost I originally made after Sandy Hook. It's been five years since the shooting in Sparks, NV. It’s been 19 since Columbine. I've seen a variety of reports that there have been 29 mass shootings in America in 2018 --- It's FEBRUARY 15. Maybe that number can be disputed, there is a lot of talk going around about the "fake news" of how many shootings have actually taken place this year. However, FOX News did report that there have been 25 fatal school shootings since Columbine in 1999. Do we really need to be fighting over how many count? Can we all not agree that ONE IS TOO MANY?!!??!? Why are we still having this conversation? This isn't about taking away your guns, this is about NOT TAKING AWAY THE LIVES OF INNOCENT PEOPLE. This is about stricter requirements for purchasing guns, for a ban on assault rifles, for gun safety requirements. This is about access to mental health care. This is about healing trauma. This is about you. This is about me. Most importantly this is about the lives of the people we love most in the world. While you send prayers and thoughts, I'll be calling and writing until a teacher never has to write another post like this again. Feel free to join me. |
AuthorHope guides me in all endeavors. In both my professional and personal life I see opportunities to share and spread hope with others so that they too may develop pathways to see great possibilities in their lives. I believe in the power of engaged educators to build significant relationships with young people to encourage, inspire, and build great lives. This blog is a collection of my thoughts on education, hope, connecting, and engaging. Archives
July 2018
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